The Near Future According to Trevor

It'll all start with cheese...

It always starts with cheese, right? Well this time will be no exception.

As we all know, there are many different types of cheese. Pepper jack, cheddar, american, goat, etc. But as we may NOT all know, cheese forms out of either a) plants, or b) pre-mature baby animals. Today, the cheese incident happened because of b. That's right. Pre-mature baby animals. In a black hole.

4.6 Billion times the size of the sun

So for everybody to fully understand the mind boggling numbers, let me just compare Earth to the Sun. How many Earths do you think can fit inside the sun? Well, according to something I heard yesterday, approximately 1.4 million Earths could fit inside the Sun. Or something like that... So anyway, this is the size of our Sun. Recently scientists have discovered that there is this black hole 56 million light years away from our puny planet. So how large is 4.6 BILLION? Well, let me put it this way. You could fit 4.6 BILLION SUNS INSIDE OF THIS BLACK HOLE. Now, 56 million light years seems very vast and far away. But in universal terms, this black hole is basically right in Earth's backyard. So, are we going to die? The answer is obvious.

Duh!

But most likely not by getting sucked into this black hole. Odds are you'll probably die either by a truck, or an ominous looking cliff, or maybe even a rabid panda bear (although sightings of these pandas are rare).

But I'm getting off of the point. We were talking about pre-mature baby animals creating cheese, yes? Right. So pre-mature baby animals all start in a black hole (as we also all know). And these pre-mature baby animals that are developed in black holes create what we Americans like to call, Cheddar cheese. BUT! Unbeknown to man, this black hole 56 million light years away from us, which is 4.6 BILLION TIMES THE SIZE OF THE SUN is mass producing pre-mature baby animals like polygamist rabbits. So by the time we get this Cheddar cheese from this enormous black hole, scientists predict that one block is bound to be the size of western Canada.

Unfortunately, Canadians don't like dabbling in American science, and like keeping to themselves. Therefore these Canadians will have no idea where this ginormous cheese block came from, and they will be forced to blame China. Because who else mass produces cheese the size of western Canada? Before long, GIANT CHEESE BLOCKS WILL BE FALLING TO THE EARTH LIKE METEORS COMING TO DESTROY THE WORLD. Many people will assume that the Mayans were correct after all and will run around in circles, screaming at the top of their lungs.

China, however, will not be fooled because, even though Canada has convinced the world that those Chinese are up to a conspiracy to destroy the world by cheese, China knows that they are not mass producing these destructive blocks of orange food. So China will soon send up super cool and extremely Asian ninjas up to the Hubble telescope and they will take control of it. Soon they will figure out that there is a big mass of NOTHING in the middle of NOWHERE (don't ask me how anybody figures out where a black hole is. I'm only predicting the future here, not answering sciencey questions). The Chinese will immediately believe that this big mass of NOTHING must be mass producing huge pre-mature baby animals, thus creating ginormous blocks of cheese coming to destroy the Earth.

The Chinese will then construct a battleship as large as India so that they can launch it into space to destroy this black hole by launching enough material into this big NOTHING so that it becomes a SOMETHING, thus preventing any more production of giant cheese blocks and ultimately saving the Earth. Unfortunately, the rest of the world will still think that China is behind this, so China will be forced to build this battle ship all underground. Since China has so many resources though, they will be able to build this battle ship as large as India in under 3 months. The launch date will be 5 hours after completion of this ship, and they will name it "驅逐艦無中生有," which translated means, "Destroyer of Nothing."

The Chinese will launch the Destroyer into the atmosphere, miraculously dodging all of the falling cheese blocks that are as large as the ship (just cause they're Asian). Because of the immense thrusters on the ship it will take less than .05 seconds to leave the atmosphere of Earth, and only 6 days to reach the black hole 56 million light years away.

Unfortunately, the Chinese will put their whole population onto the Destroyer. And because black holes are immensely powerful, (not to mention all of the pre-mature baby animals inside) it will only take .1095928485 seconds for the Destroyer to be sucked inside. Thus causing an immediate extinction of all Chinese life forms.

While back at planet Earth...

Everybody will still be screaming and running in circles, while the houses and cottages will all be crushed by giant blocks of cheese and random fires will sprout from the most random places like in the middle of the ocean or on a cloud somewhere over eastern Turkey. Then everything will seem like it freezes in mid-movement and somebody in South Carolina will shout, "Hey everybody! What about those French people? Don't they like cheese?" And everybody around the world will be able to hear AND UNDERSTAND this South Carolinian. Then everything will go back to its normal speed, but the Americans will use one of their fancy telescopes and check on France, and sure enough, it'll be the only place in the ENTIRE WORLD that isn't covered in cheese.

So with time, large cranes and immense space ships will be built to transport all of the cheese blocks to France, where the French will devour all of the cheese instantly. Unfortunately, without the Chinese, progress in building these immense space ships and large cranes will slow considerably, but they will get done eventually.

Thank you for listening. Now do not be scared by the immense accuracy of my predictions. That is why they call me a predictor. So that people will not be frightened nor surprised by what is about to happen.

Brace yourself.